Walking the Line Between Discipline and Depression

Nothing much has changed with little miss Maizie. I have a call into the neurologist to discuss what to do. It is possible we will have to try medication number two.

Whenever she is sleeping...which is the best way to get over the migraine (CVS) all I want to do is curl up on the couch and sleep near her. This is what she looked like this morning.The house is dark and quiet and there is not too much for me to do. Okay, sure I could reorganize stuff, clean or play on the computer but that stuff gets boring. What I really want is for Maizie to be up, playing and happy....so I get depressed and just want to sleep until she gets up. It is a bad habit to be in. Or maybe it is a coping mechanism and an okay way to handle an ongoing situation that I can not change?

Yesterday was a stressful day. My nephew who has been stuggling in school is still not doing well. His depression is getting the best of him. His mom will call the doctor today and he will be seen soon.

I took Maizie over to play with Christian yesterday while Marie took my nephew to his school to clean out his locker. While he was there I removed the computer from their house. This will be the second time the computer has been removed due to his obsession with all things Pokemon...especially the posting boards. It is not the Pokemon we have the problem with. It is that Pokemon is his life. Invitations to play with friends are refused. Homework is deemed a waste of time when there are boards to post on. He is an addict. A slave to the ongoing discussions and debates regarding Pokemon, the moderators on the site and what topics should be discussed.

Most of his computer history had been erased despite me warning him never to erase it. He forgot to erase yesterdays though and I was able to see and read the posts. Not pretty. The computer was returned a week ago for school use only. Marie requested that if he did not follow the rules set up for completing his homework on the computer we would remove it. Apparently, she hesitated to call me when he was repeatedly locking her out of her own bedroom to get in his Pokemon posts. I did not take this lightly and not only removed the computer but requested permission to remove the door knobs as well. Things did not go well when Daniel returned home from cleaning out his locker. It was like watching a meth addict screaming for a hit. He became totally obsessed with me returning the door knob to the bathroom that he never uses. I think it was beyond his comprehension that we followed through with removing the computer. It was too painful for him to comprehend. I took the computer and knobs back to my house. Not fifteen minutes had passed when my sister called me up crying and begging me to bring the door knob to the bathroom back. I was not pleased. My sister talks big but when the pressure is turned on from her son she crumbles. It is easier to let him play the game(take the drug that is his Pokemon)then it is to listen to him nag, cry and scream for hours on end. I can see where she would crumble. I was able to leave the house. She had to stay and be followed around by a tantruming thirteen year old. Not pretty.

Once home the phone calls began. First it was my nephew begging me for the door knob back to the bathroom he never uses. Begging does not begin to describe it. It was more like listening to a cat screaming. Suddenly he realized that he wanted to use the bathroom he never uses and stop taking over his mother's bathroom (which we agreed he could still use, and still had a lock on it). The whole argument made no sense at all. The bottom line was he knew since Joe and I took the computer that he was screwed. We don't back down like his Grandparents did three days after taking the computer away. They were overwhelmed with his constant requests to go to their house and use the computer for "homework". Since he was not constantly observed we realized he was really playing online...again. His computer will be here for a long long time and he knows it. There will be no computer until his grades begin to make the slow climb back up, he must treat his mother and little brother with some respect and most importantly he has to stop lying about almost everything.

It is a fine line to walk between discipline and depression. Possibly even OCD. Our family has always agreed though that even with depression you don't lock your mother out of her own room and scream at her for hours on end. Fortunately my nephew has not only his mother to deal with but he has Grandparents and two sets of Aunts and Uncles who are not willing to back down...who are not willing to let him be sucked into a world of online addiction. He even went out on a limb and called my little sister Meljo in Guilford. To his amazement Melissa stood behind me and the removal of the computer and door knobs. Of course he does not see this as a positive thing. He knows how to manipulate his mother who has a disability...a huge stress on its own for a child to deal with. I know...I grew up with my sister and she is wonderful and amazing but she struggles and so we all dance along a bizzare line of having to help out and yet not wanting to take over her life. You watch and wait....if she can't handle certain aspects of parenting what do you do? There is much more to this topic than I care to explain here. The family dynamics are complex but the bottom line is we all love my nephew and are trying to work together to help him.

The school is not following through on what they said they were going to do. No surprise to me. It is unfortunate that he will probably fall out of the gifted and talented program by fall. A school counselor encouraged us to keep the computer in the home so he could earn one hour a night online. I was against it but at their request we followed through. Lets just say that backfired as I figured it would. My ongoing concern is that he have something positive to replace this computer obsession with. At this point he is so furious he just screams, "There is nothing else to do!"

Maizie becomes quite stressed when the discussion of my nephew comes up. She has always said, "We are not getting along so much now." Despite being only three years apart it as if they are light years apart. Maizie has lost many priveldges in her ten years despite being Autistic and chronically ill. We have removed her toys for months at a time as she earned them back through increasingly good behavior. At one very low point she had nothing but a bed in her room. Looking back I always worried we did the wrong thing in removing her toys and making her work to get them back. But, now when we discuss what is going on with my nephew she remembers those three very tough times, shakes her head and says,"I had to follow the rules. It is better now." That was at a time when Maizie was very abusive and we were trying to figure out what was beyond her control and what she needed to be disciplined for.

After agonizing we decided to discipline "as if" she understood that hitting was wrong. It was hard to know because her communication was not strong and she struggled in all areas of development. I don't know if it was the strict "earning back of toys" that we began or if it was just time and development that helped. I guess we will never know. I do think it says something since Maizie can remember her toys being packed away and knows that was a result of "not following the rules". Maizie also knows that when we say something will happen if she chooses to do 'blank and blank', it will. If she misbehaves she pays a price. My nephew has rarely experienced that. As he gets older the misbehavior has a stronger impact on those around him and his mom has been pushed to make changes. This will be a long and difficult process.

This morning I woke up feeling so guilty for taking the computer and the door knobs despite his mother's agreement and request for help. I called Marie and asked her if she was mad. She said she knows it has to be done but yet she began crying again and we discussed replacing the bathroom door knob. I agreed to replace it today. It is really not that big of a deal. My only concern is Daniel removing it and placing it on his mother's bedroom door. I guess we will deal with that if it happens.