Why on Earth Are We Homeschooling?

Today was one of those days where I kept thinking, "Why on earth are we homeschooling?" We must be totally nuts to think we can do this.

I am sure most homeschooling parents feel this on a regular basis. However, I think the feeling may be more intense when you are homeschooling a child with special needs. For so long we are taught and told that children with special needs require special teachers with special degrees.

For several years I followed the belief that professionals knew how to teach Maizie better than we did. I was convinced that we needed speech, occupational and physical therapists. I believed that special education teachers knew techniques and ways to teach that you can only learn in college.

It was only through devoting a great deal of time advocating, visiting and observing in the schools that I realized while many of the professionals had good advice and helpful ideas they could not reach Maizie in the same way that we could. I also discovered that often times what was decided to be worked on was never done and that talk was cheaper than action.

The professionals only had so much control of Maizie's environment. It was impossible to shield her from excessive noise, lights and stress that wore her out daily. She would come home exhausted, frustrated and unable to unwind from a day spent trying to behave like the other children. Struggling to tolerate the stimulus of the classroom took a huge toll on her.

At the same time we have lots of good memories of school. Maizie loved the holiday parties. I enjoyed them too except that she would lose many sleepless nights worrying about and anticipating the parties. Around Christmas time the "holiday energy" often sent Maizie over the edge. The other children were precious and I miss getting to know them. For Maizie, the missing of the other children is intense at times too. I wrestle with this and know that indeed Maizie is missing out on some wonderful school experiences.

Okay, so why am I blabbing on and on about this...again? There are so many times when Maizie resists doing "school work". I begin to panic on these days so today I am going to "blog through it". I remind myself that through freedom in play Maizie is still learning. Of course this goes against most of what society thinks children need.

I fall easily back into thinking Maizie needs to experience the typical American schooling system. Why I do this to myself I don't know? It drives me nuts.

I make certain Maizie has lots of social experiences and help her build friendships. We are not lacking in those areas at this time.

We go for days where she is cooperative and ready and willing to work on her school work. Followed by days where I can't get her to do anything but tutoring. Some days she won't even consider doing her math homework for tutoring. No amount of rewards, bribes or earning of points convinces her.

Maizie often says in her most frustrated tone, "I will do it when my brain wants to do it!" She says this of course when I am pleading with her to complete some work I see as totally necessary for her educational advancement.

I often think about her statement, "I will do it when my brain wants to do it." Some may think she is being manipulative. I sometimes think she is manipulating me! Or some say, "How will she ever keep a job or be disciplined if she does not learn how to do things even when she does not want to do them?" Could it be possible her brain just can not do them at that time? It seems likely and she knows this better than me.

At these times I find myself interested in Unschooling. I will even admit that we lead a very 'unschooled' sort of life. If Maizie has an interest in something I provide her with everything possible to learn more, read more, write and draw, experience more. I have found myself doing this as Maizie's resistance to sit down school work continued.

Through it all I have noticed that Maizie requires one on one time for learning. The time spent with her tutor is money well spent. She may not always complete the homework but I do believe she is learning regardless. The process is slow and daunting for the tutor, me and Maizie but we see some progress. I always have to remind myself that we have seen a great deal of progress since we pulled Maizie out of public schooling.

Our lives have become more enjoyable, relaxed and much happier since stopping formal schooling. I believe this has to be due to the reduction in constant stimulus and expectations beyond Maizie's grasp. So, why do I continually torture myself and Maizie by expecting her to sit and do work in the same way we would do it in a regular classroom?

I have also come to realize that Maizie's best teacher may be herself. I find her reading books and discovering things on her own. She comes up with ideas, dreams and plays like she has never done before. I have to attribute this to having the time, the quiet and the safety to be who she truly is.

So on a day like today when we are lounging around being silly, eating, reading, watching Faerie Tale Theatre, playing the computer and seemingly accomplishing a bunch of nothing....well, I just have to believe that Maizie is learning at these times too.

On days like this I could push Maizie and try to force her to do what she does not want to do or I can choose to sit back and play along, see where she takes me and what ideas and fun she has planned. Usually, I choose to sit back and let her be who she is and do what she needs to do. It is never easy when I know most other kids are sitting at desks and completing work that can be graded and measured for exactly what it is. I am envious of the orderliness of that. Envious of the simplicity of following curriculum that fits the child's age and skills. For Maizie, nothing is that simple. Everything has to be continually tweaked, reworked, sometimes rewritten and broken down to the most simple of steps. I find it exhausting so is it possible Maizie finds it even more tiring?

So today when Joe gets home from work and asks what we did today at least I know he will understand when I say, "Well, we did a bunch of nothing and by doing that I think we did everything necessary for today."
Maizie was in the second grade in these pictures.