M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N

Maizie woke up from her three and a half hour nap today and said, "I am sorry I had a m.e.l.t.d.o.w.n. (she spells it out for me)." Now, who knows what tonight will bring after a nap like that. Usually, I will be up with her late and then up with her again at three or so. Bummer.

The morning started out well enough. Maizie went to Beth's house to play with the girls. When I went to pick her up the melt down began in the car. She began repeating,"I can't take it anymore." Suddenly, I was overcome with a wave of anxiety. It had been almost two weeks since her last major meltdown. I was getting used to that...spoiled! I could tell this was the type that keeps us inside for most of the day while she recovers.

We were to be at tutoring in less than an hour. I drove us right to our house and we came inside. I was hoping a few minutes to wind down and she would be all set for tutoring. Before I knew it she was becoming more intense and upset. She turned the stop sign on Joe's office door to 'stop' and insisted on turning off the lights so he could not work. Just another day at the office for Joe. An endless stream of yelling was filling the room and I thought my head was going to explode. All of these emotions in my girl and I just want to make her feel better. Joe is trying to help and I feel bad he is taking time out from work to deal with this, but know that he puts in more than enough work for me to not feel too guilty about it.

I had to run out North for an errand and had to leave Joe to calm Maizie down. Apparently she became more upset when I left but then calmed down and began to rest on the couch. Once I was home she fell asleep.

Maizie's tutor was understanding about it but once we switch to a morning time I will have to pay for these missed sessions. There is a long waiting list to meet with Jeanne and I hate to miss our time. The intense frustration I felt in dealing with this meltdown is beyond explanation. I wanted to scream and scream and throw stuff. My mind knows some days are just like this for Maizie and everything has to come to a halt. For whatever reason her body needs to rest and nothing will get done. Why do I know this and yet get so furious on the inside. I guess because my plans for the day don't turn out? It's beautiful out and all Maizie can handle is sitting inside with the lights low.

Even though I try to be calm Maizie knows I am impatient and says, "Mom you are not patient. Mom you are not kind. Mom you are not understanding me." All of these she is right about. Joe and I both talk too much during her melt downs, try to make her understand why she needs to go to tutoring or work on her attitude. It is so hard for us to just let the meltdown happen, comfort and hug her and just lay low all day with her. It seems her melt downs have to reach a certain intensity before we believe that it is indeed a melt down beyond her control, even though every instinct I have is telling me its going to be a big one, a day will be wasted and I just better deal with it!

We both begin to panic and want her so badly to meet our expectations for the day. I had a doctor tell me once that the key to my happiness and Maizie's was to lower my expectations. Maizie was almost four at the time and was quite non verbal. She pretty much repeated a few sentences or demands. "I like horses." "I want to go to the candy stand." These sentences were used to express many things, most of what we were unable to understand due to her limited vocabulary and ability to express her needs. When she was a baby at least we understood her cries even though we rarely were able to stop them. Now, she has the vocabulary and I still can't understand what it is that is upsetting her and how to stop it, how to make her feel all better. Once again, I know she probably reached her sensory limit for the day and needed to rest. But, going with the flow, allowing Maizie to melt down and accepting that there is no way to stop it from happening seems so hard for us. It does not help that these days are pretty hard for most people to understand since they don't see them. Dates get cancelled, friends are disappointed and I am left to pick up the pieces, reschedule appointments and hope tomorrow will be a good day. Over the years it has gotten better so I suppose it will just keep on getting better.

So now, amazingly enough she has a vibrant vocabulary, can read at a sixth grade level but comprehends at a level between a kindergartner and a second grader. In between she has levels of intense and profound insight that amazes us. On one of our visits to see her Great Grandma at Saint Anne's she said, "Momma, is this where people go and wait to see God?" I about dropped to the floor. Wheelchair after wheelchair with non coherent elderly people lined the walls. I could only respond, "Yes. Yes, unfortunately it is for some people." She then went over and hugged a woman that was holding a large baby doll, pretending to rock it. I wanted to run out of there! Crying like crazy, of course.

I am having a hard time staying focused on this blog. I guess my point is...on days like today I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about Maizie, her schedule, her communication, how we can make things go smoother for her and what we are doing right or wrong. After nine years I am still confused. We are so blessed for the many skills Maizie possesses. I have always said, "Maizie is God's own private mystery." I just need to accept that.